


It was my fault you see

by orphan_account



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Insomnia, M/M, Rape/Non-con References, Therapy, victim blaming themselves
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-21
Updated: 2012-05-02
Packaged: 2017-11-04 01:31:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 6
Words: 5,193
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/388163
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Mycroft needs therapy to help him save his relationship.</p>
<p>It is, after all, his fault that Simon did it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I don't own these characters I just like to torture them.

“It was my fault you see, I was reading things I knew he didn’t like me reading and I should never have told him. I have very little experience in the bedroom and I thought I could maybe learn a few things from that sort of fiction but I know he doesn’t like me reading things like that.”

“I thought I could make it better by showing him what I had learnt from it so when we went to bed I decided to try and play a game with him. I sat astride him and kissed him, when he touched me I told him to stop and carried on with exploring his body. He touched me again and I told him to stop and if he did it again I was stopping and going to sleep. He was good for a few minutes and I was really enjoying myself but then he touched me again. I rolled off him and pulled the duvet over me and said I was going to sleep.”

“He wasn’t happy, about the reading or the game, and I had started it so I shouldn’t have tried to say no should I? He was determined to get what he wanted and he pushed me onto my back and took what he wanted from me. When he’d finished and cleaned himself up he cuddled me and told me how much he loved me and fell fast asleep.”

“The next night I went to bed first and I was nearly asleep, flat on my stomach, when he came to bed. He was in the mood for some bedroom activity but I was tired and said no, he knelt either side of me and started massaging my back, I was too tired I really wanted him to stop so I said ‘please let me sleep’ but he kept going, he worked down my body until he was massaging my bottom and then I knew what he was going to do. I tried to move away and I said no again but he didn’t listen, I think he though I was moving because I was enjoying it because he was telling me he loved me and loved it when I enjoyed him”

“He was asleep in no time and cuddled up to me so tightly, wrapping me up warm and safe.”

“A couple of sleepless nights, and busy days, later I really was exhausted and I had decided to try scotch before bed in the hope it would help me sleep, he had had some as well and alcohol always makes him more interested in me. I said no more than once but his will to have sex with me was stronger than my will to stop him and I was so tired I just wanted it over with so I could try and sleep.”

“I got a cuddle after and he told me how lucky he felt to have me before he dropped off to sleep wrapped around me.”

“It has been two weeks now since it last happened but I am still not sleeping and I need help desperately that is why I am here.”

_“Where is Simon Mycroft? Why is he not here with you?”_

“Simon is out having dinner with his friends at my club, we both agree that this is my problem and I need to solve it.”


	2. chapter 2

“It’s been four weeks now and Simon has been on his best behaviour, he’s been cooking me meals and buying me presents. I have been careful not to access any writing that he hasn’t read first so I know he is happy with everything I am reading. He sleeps every night snuggled up to my back with his arms wrapped around me and drifts off while telling me how much he loves me.”

_“Do you sleep Mycroft?”_

“Well no or I wouldn’t be back here would I, not sleeping is the problem you are supposed to be helping me with.”

_“Have you spoken to Simon about what happened?”_

“Of course I have, he explained that I had upset him by reading about things I was not prepared to do, he had things from my reading history that detailed what he had done to me. He did it because he loves me and wanted me to stop living in fiction. I read the stories so he is right I must have enjoyed the contact and I must not have said no in an effective way because really I wanted it.”

_“Did he say anything other than that? Did he apologise for any misunderstanding?”_

“He told me he was scared I didn’t love him and didn’t find him attractive and that I was repulsed by his touch and that is why I had stopped. If only I hadn’t been so stupid as to try and play games with him he would never have got so upset with me. It is all down to me being so stupid I have never had a relationship before so I don’t really know the rules.”

_“Did he apologise Mycroft or did you.”_

“I apologised for making him feel so scared and upset, what should he have apologised for? It was all my fault, I did things I knew he wouldn’t like and I shouldn’t have done that.”

_“What do you think about when you go to bed Mycroft?”_

“I try and make Simon feel comfortable and happy and I lie, wrapped in his arms, listening to him tell me he loves me before his breathing deepens and he drifts off to sleep. Then I try not to think about anything, I try not to move and risk waking him and hope that at some point I will sleep, not that I manage that very often.”

_“Have you spoken to anyone about what happened between you and Simon?”_

“Why would I do that? Simon would be angry with me and I don’t want to make him angry again do I? It is no one’s business but ours if I could just workout how to get some sleep I wouldn’t be talking to you about it either. The departmental coffee bill has gone through the roof and my work is suffering and that will not do even at my lowly level.”

_“If this is your fault Mycroft then Simon will not be angry at you having someone confirm that for you will he? Before your next appointment I want you to speak to someone about this and I want you to tell me what they say and if it helps you sleep. Can you do that Mycroft?”_

“I am unsure who I would find to speak to, my brother does not like me, it would be wrong to speak to my assistant, my brother in law may speak to me or he may be able to recommend someone but I do not see the value in the conversation or the effect it could have on my sleep.”

_“Please do as I have asked Mycroft and I will see you the same time next week.”_

“I will see what I can do, see you next week”


	3. chapter 3

“Good morning, er afternoon sorry.”

_“Don’t be sorry Mycroft it’s only a few minutes past, how are you?”_

“Tired and forgetting things and really not doing a good job of anything at the minute, you were supposed to be helping me with this but this is the third time I have seen you and I still can’t sleep.”

_“Please don’t be cross with me Mycroft I am doing my best to help you. Tell me about your week with Simon.”_

“Simon has been lovely, he wants to look after me and he wants me to be happy. He said he knows I can be stressed and worry too much about things and that I don’t know how to be in a relationship with someone who cares for me so much but I mustn’t worry because he knows how to make me feel better. He has stopped running around doing jobs all the time and is letting me do them and I haven’t had any more presents but that is at least getting back to normal he is not seeing me as weak and incapable anymore.”

_“What about at bedtime Mycroft how is that going?”_

“I’m still not sleeping I told you that earlier didn’t I? Simon has always been a good sleeper as long as he has his arm around me and I don’t disturb him but he needs to know I’m there, he doesn’t like sleeping on his own and he always falls asleep telling me how much he loves me which is very nice of him given how stupid I can be sometimes.”

_“Do you consider yourself stupid in any other part of your life Mycroft?”_

“I have a career that requires intelligence, poise, persuasion and organisation; I am most certainly not stupid in that area although without sleep I am getting that way. I have never formed relationships well, as I think I said before my brother hates me which is never a good sign, and I am not used to people caring about me so I feel stupid because I don’t understand it and I keep doing things wrong.”

_“I asked you last week it you would talk to someone about you and Simon and you said you would try and find someone, did you manage to?”_

“I said I would try my brother in law and I did try to speak to him, it wasn’t easy because I don’t do talking about personal things and I really didn’t want John to think me any more stupid than he already does. I asked him if we could talk and he looked at me in the same way Sherlock does when he thinks I’m being an idiot.”

_“Did you give up or did you talk to him”_

“I told him it was about Simon and I and he said anyone who thought taking relationship advice from a man married to Sherlock was a good idea must be mad and laughed. I’ve never felt so stupid, well actually I have that’s where this all began but I had to walk away because I felt so embarrassed. He did shout after me and suggest I talk to their married policeman friend but he is away on holiday for a couple of weeks so I will have to wait until he comes back. John believes him to be the expert on relationships and he did have a hand in John and Sherlock sorting themselves out so I think when he returns I will try and do as you have asked.”

_“You really need to try and talk to someone Mycroft if only to gain another perspective. You seem convinced that this whole situation is your fault and Simon seems to think so as well but talking to people might help you see things as less black and white.”_

“Are you suggesting I don’t even know when something is my fault or not? How stupid do you think I am? I know I did things that would make Simon cross and that I should not have played games with him and that he needs me and loves me and likes being looked after by me.”

_“I don’t consider you at all stupid Mycroft that is a word you have used for yourself not one I have used. Please try not to get cross with me or with yourself.”_

“I’m sorry, I am so tired and so angry at the moment, I will try and do as you suggest however hard the idea of admitting what I have done to John and Sherlock’s friend seems just now. I don’t think he’s home before next week though, should I wait a fortnight before I come back to see you?”

_“No Mycroft come back next week whatever happens between now and then talking will help you eventually find a solution to your sleep problem I promise you that.”_


	4. chapter 4

_“Mycroft hello how are you today?”_

“I’m er I’m um tired I think you could say and very busy because work is moving slowly, my mind is not doing anything like it normally does. Is it possible to have a drink? A coffee would really help right now I think.”

_“I can manage that Mycroft if you tell me about your week while I make it”_

“My week has been difficult, I am not completing work on time and that is a very dangerous thing for me to be doing, I had a conference call with the prime…. er the .. er someone important and I am usually very much in control of such conversations but I am not sure what was discussed or what agreements were reached. You asked me last week if I considered myself stupid at work and I said no but I think I was wrong. Thank you for the coffee it’s lovely.”

_“Have you slept Mycroft? Or is that still a problem for you?”_

“I have found myself asleep in my chair on more than one occasion which is not good but is sleep. I am not sleeping properly but I am getting better at lying still and quiet so as not to wake Simon so my body is getting some rest even if I’m not sleeping. I think it is important that I don’t wake Simon because he likes his sleep and gets annoyed when he gets woken for no good reason.” 

_“Have you done anything else in bed since the incidents happened? You have never mentioned it but then I have never asked either.”_

“We hadn’t before this week that is why I haven’t mentioned it; I think Simon went off me a bit for a while for being so stupid and ungrateful about what he did for me. I can understand that, when I was so horrible to him and kept saying I didn’t want him to touch me that he would be upset for a while.”

“This coffee is very nice thank you I think I feel more awake than I have in a while.”

“Simon asked for sex on Tuesday night and I was so relieved that he wanted to be close to me again, I asked for the lights to be out because I had a bit of a head ache and I was too tired to really enjoy myself but I tried to make it as good as I could for him and he kissed me and cuddled me afterwards and it was so nice to think he wanted to be that close to me again. He slept so peacefully that night and it was lovely to see him smiling in his sleep and so nice to feel like he was happy with me again. We had sex again the next night, I just wish I was more awake so I could have really made it wonderful for Simon and shown him how sorry I was for being so stupid.”

_“How did Simon ask you for sex Mycroft and did he have anything to say afterwards?”_

“I don’t know really how he asked to be honest, we got into bed and instead of just putting his arm around me he kissed me and climbed on top of me and started kissing me more and then he was inside me and touching me and I telling me he loved me and how much he was enjoying feeling me after so long. Afterwards he told me he loved me and cuddled me but that was about it before he was asleep.”

_“How did you feel about having had Sex again Mycroft?”_

“I don’t know really I hadn’t thought about it, it just seemed like it was the right thing to do and Simon enjoyed it and, like I said, I was too tired really and had a headache but it wasn’t like the last time, I certainly didn’t say no I wouldn’t be that stupid again.”

_“Did you sleep well after if you didn’t feel stupid anymore?”_

“No I didn’t sleep any better than I have been doing, I lay there listening to Simon’s heartbeat and feeling him hold me and hoping that he would love me again after and not go back to thinking I was a stupid idiot in the morning.”

_“Do you think he still loved you in the morning Mycroft?”_

“Well he was happy to have sex with me again the next night so I think he is happy with me again.”

_“Have you managed to speak to your brother’s friend or is he not back yet?”_

“He is back in a few days and John is going to arrange a meeting for before next week if I can come back and see you then, I still don’t see the value in the conversation but you seem so sure it will help and maybe he will be able to advise me on how to fix things he has, after all, been married a while and he helped John and Sherlock to sort things out so maybe it will all be ok by next week.”

_“I’m glad you will see him before next week, I look forward to hearing what happens but try not to expect to talk to him and suddenly everything will be fine it probably won’t be that quick a change.”_

“I’ll try to bare that in mind, see you next week.”


	5. Chapter 5

“I met with Gregory yesterday, he was quite confused by why I wanted to speak to him but he was very friendly, I know John likes him and that he was the first person Sherlock ever got close to so I shouldn’t have been surprised by how nice he is.”

_“What did you tell him Mycroft or what did you ask him?”_

“I told him that I needed some advice on how to fix things with Simon and that John told me I would be mad to ask someone in a relationship with Sherlock and suggested I talked to him instead, he thought that was quite funny and it is really. I love Sherlock, even though he doesn’t like me much, but I can’t see theirs being the most normal of relationships.”

_“How much of what you’ve told me did you tell him Mycroft? Did you start from the beginning?”_

“I told him I had been stupid and upset Simon and I needed some help putting it right, he was nice about it because really he doesn’t know me at all and he could just have laughed in my face but he didn’t. We were in a coffee shop so it was a bit public but I told him a few things and he just listened but then he suggested we went for a walk instead of sitting still.”

_“Why did he want to walk instead of sitting in the shop do you think?”_

“I didn’t know at the time but I think I do now, we had a long chat and it became clear why he wanted to talk more privately. He er….. well he didn’t think I was stupid, well not in the way I though he would, he still thought I was an idiot though and you do too don’t you?”

_“I don’t think you’re stupid Mycroft I told you that before, what makes you think I think that?”_

“Gregory listened just like you have but he gave me some answers whereas you only ask questions but that doesn’t mean you don’t think the same as he does. When we were walking I sort of worked backwards over the stupid things I’d done and what had been happening and I think lack of sleep reduced my control of myself because eventually I told him everything. When I stopped talking he stopped walking and looked at me and he just stood there for what seemed like forever looking at me.”

_“How did you feel about that Mycroft?”_

“I though he was going to scream and shout at me or tell me what an idiot I was or even just walk away laughing but he didn’t, after what felt like forever he put his arms around me and gave me a hug, it was more of a shock than you could imagine, I don’t know the last time anyone other than Simon touched me but for shaking my hand. I found myself suddenly hugging him back, we must have looked a funny sight to anyone who saw us.”

_“Did it feel nice to have him hug you? Did he say anything afterwards?”_

“It was strangely comforting in a way I haven’t felt in a long time, when he let go he walked us over to a bench and suggested we sit down and then he looked me in the eye and told me the only stupid thing I’d done was not talk to him officially weeks ago. I was more than a little confused to be honest because I couldn’t work out why I would talk to the police, it’s not like he’s a stranger or something he’s my partner and has been for years, we’ve had sex lots of time so I couldn’t understand. Gregory says it was … says it was … I can’t say it I still can’t say it, it doesn’t feel right to say it.”

_“You need to say it Mycroft you need to accept what Gregory is telling you I think. So tell me what did he call it?”_

“He called it Rape; he said it was the same as if it happened to someone on the street only worse because you still have to see the person every day. Gregory said that I’m not sleeping because I don’t feel safe and I’m worrying too much about Simon and upsetting him. That’s what you think as well isn’t it? That’s why you wanted me to talk to someone?”

_“I wanted you to talk to someone who would be honest with you and who you would be happy to listen to, was Gregory that?”_

“He has been brilliant and he says I can talk to him again if I want, he also suggested I speak to Sherlock and ask Simon to leave and he says he will come with me to do both or either if I want. It’s strange for someone I don’t know to be so nice to me but Sherlock and John love him and I know he’s had his troubles with his wife but he seems happy now. He promised that he won’t do anything official if I don’t want him to because he was talking to me as a friend not as a policeman.”

_“What is your plan then, I know you only spoke to him yesterday so you may not have a full plan but do you have any ideas.”_

“I’m seeing Gregory again tomorrow and then I hope he is going to help me ask Simon to leave, I think he might be successful with that because he looked really angry about the fact he was still with me, and hopefully I am going to sort out talking to John and Sherlock and then I don’t know but Gregory seems to think I will sleep better once I have the house to myself and I think he might be right. You were right to tell me to speak to someone, thankyou.”

_“I hope it works out for you Mycroft and I am glad that you found someone so nice to talk to. You will come back next week and discuss how it is all going won’t you?”_

“I will be back next week if that is ok with you and hopefully I will be feeling better although it is going to be a hard week. Thank you for letting me talk and for not calling me stupid. See you next week.”


	6. chapter 6

“Good afternoon my dear how are you today?”

_“Erm… I’m OK thanks Mycroft, how are you?”_

“I am better than I have been in what feels like forever, I never thought I would feel like this when I first came to see you. I think I possibly feel better than I have for years. The advice to talk to someone was really useful and I’ve found myself talking to people I haven’t spoken to properly in a long time.”

_“So how did your plan for the week go Mycroft?”_

“I spoke to Gregory the day after I was here last and we talked about a lot of things not just what had happened recently and he told me about some of the issues he and his wife had had and how important it had been to talk to each other. Gregory believes that relationships should be happy things and that neither partner should ever be worried about what they say to the other. I told him how worried I was about talking to Simon because he would be cross with me for telling someone and he said that that was the perfect indication that I shouldn’t be putting up with him.”

_“Did you speak to Simon then Mycroft?”_

“Actually I spoke to Sherlock first; Gregory suggested I start by trying to talk to him and John before I spoke to Simon. He said afterwards that he wanted to be sure that I wasn’t on my own once Simon had gone so I wouldn’t be tempted to have him back which makes a lot of sense now I look back on it.”

_“What did you talk to Sherlock and John about?”_

“I’ve always worried Sherlock didn’t like me ever since he was young but it seems we were at cross purposes for a lot of the time. We each had our own childhood issues and the age gap was always going to be a problem but when Gregory told Sherlock what had been going on he looked at me in a way I’ve never seen before. Sherlock normally looks at me like I am the most stupid person in the world but that was not the look he gave me this time and he even asked if I was OK. John just looked horrified and apologised for sending me away when I asked for his help.”

_“Why did Gregory tell Sherlock what had happened and not you Mycroft?”_

“I was too scared, I know now that that sounds ridiculous but only those few days ago I was still convinced that I was stupid and someone was going to tell me so. Sherlock calls me an idiot all the time but I thought this time if he said it he would mean it and I would believe him. Gregory assured me he wouldn’t but I still couldn’t face doing the talking so he said he would. Gregory was very policeman like; he delivered the fact with very little emotion but a great deal of accuracy although he did tell them some of the other things Simon had said and done over the years that I don’t think I had place the true value on until John gasped and looked horrified.”

_“How did Sherlock react Mycroft?”_

“He was very much himself, he stood up and began pacing the room, looking for a solution to the problem. After a couple of minutes he turned to look at me and told me I would be staying there that night. It wasn’t a question it was an instruction and I’m sure it was Sherlock’s way of letting me know that he was there for me even though that is never a conversation we could have. I stayed as instructed and having eaten and not talked about things any more Gregory went home to his wife and I went to bed and slept better than I had in longer than I can remember.”

_“Did you ring Simon to say you wouldn’t be home Mycroft?”_

“No, it never really crossed my mind to call him to be honest, I was relaxed and happy and with people who cared about me and I had a nice evening. I stayed two nights and slept really, really well both nights. I think I needed the sleep in order to face Simon properly.”

_“What happened when you did go home Mycroft?”_

“Went home after work, when I knew Simon would be in and he was so cross when I walked through the door and he was shouting at me and calling me all kinds of names and I stood there until he stopped talking. He didn’t touch me so I just let him shout until he was fed up. When he stopped I said ‘I want you to leave, I don’t want to see you again or speak to you, I will be back in the morning and I won’t be alone. I do not expect to see you or your things still here’ and then I turned around and left. I moved much more quickly than normal out of my house and down the street and I was very relieved to get back to Sherlock and John’s. Gregory was there because Sherlock had rung him when I didn’t arrive back as expected.”

_“Did Simon just leave on your say so Mycroft?”_

“I don’t know if he would have left just on my say so but when Gregory was at Sherlock’s house I asked him to call Simon. We agreed what he would say and he did exactly as I asked, he said that he was a policeman, that he knew what Simon had done, that this was not an official chat but it would be if he wasn’t out of my house by the morning or if he ever tried to make contact with me again and then he put the phone down. When I arrived home in the morning everything of his was gone but he hadn’t touched any of my things.”

_“Have you been staying at home Mycroft or are you still with Sherlock and John?”_

“I’ve been back at home for three nights now. I have always had my phone by the bed so that is no different although it is reassuring to know I can call Sherlock or John or even Gregory if I have a problem and that may be one of the reasons I feel so relaxed. It could also be that I now realise just how hard I was working to keep Simon happy even before what he was doing to me really turned serious.”

_“Are you sleeping properly again then Mycroft?”_

“Better than I have in years and I have you to thank for that, the last six weeks have taught me so much about myself and have changed my life so much. I am very grateful to you but in the nicest possible way I hope never to see you again.”

_“The feeling is mutual Mycroft, I am glad you came back this week to let me see how much happier you are. I hope it continues for you.”_

“Thank you my dear, there will be fresh flowers in your office every week to show my continued appreciation of your efforts. Goodbye.”


End file.
